A Journey Home

I’ve attempted to wrap together the past few months but I have come to deem it impossible. I believe in such an intimate time with oneself is not something to be curated into words to share. A connection to oneself is sacred and everlasting. The month of July was my most transformative and excruciating. I was wedged in between a time before and after transformation. Everything was crumbling around me, and for the first time in my life, all I could do was sit in it.

My outer world was hot to the touch, so I found my peace in my day to day escaping to an inner world through meditation. I was desperate to escape but I knew better than to compete against the essence of time. Some days I would meditate for an hour multiple times a day, my outer world too excruciating. July was a month that submerged me, but also taught me the art of flow. I did not know what was going on, I was scared, I felt stuck, unwavering. In the world of suffering there is also the constant beat of night into day. I did not look forward to waking up, but I did feel the thrum of my soul as each night turned into a new day, knowing I was escaping July and all that fell with it.

I discovered some of the darkest parts of myself, I quickly fell in love with an aspect of duality that I always felt within myself. I was always complimented on my light, kindness to be exact. But deep in my aspect of femininity, I found a dark and unrelenting woman.

The duality of a woman became a form of curiosity and wonder. I had pushed down a side of myself that was so powerful in boundary, care, love, and discipline. I felt as though I was worshiping the very idea of self.

I don’t believe mastering the art of self is possible, we will forever grow and change. But I do believe embracing self is embracing the fact that you will always be growing and changing, but will choose to continue to find oneself in the midst of it. It is devastating as it is beautiful. I had always hated change, yet it now has become one of my strongest links to human life. The quality of our external lives is an exact reflection of our inner worlds. I played this over in my head time and time again until I was ripping, even things I believed I loved, by their seams.

I was angry at the world, I think we like to spin this narrative that anger, or rage, is something to avoid. But in my practice it was one of the most transformative moments of my life thus far. I had much to be angry at, and for what felt like much of my life I was a blanket over some of my most vulnerable, deep, aspects of myself. I was always countering the blow, I felt as though my body and mind were draped over my most sacred parts. You can move onwards and upwards, but you shall always feel that blow.

The journey to self, and to deep understanding is brutal. I had to snuff out some of my most sensitive parts of self. I had to be cutthroat while also loving. Love shall always remain, and within it all it did. I felt like for much of my life I had given to unrelenting things and people, sure I felt deep within myself I was a giver, but, it also came from a part of self that did not quite know what she deserved, in a place she didn’t ever fully feel like she belonged.

I believe human life is sacred, and I believe quality of life comes from quality of self. As I felt the deepest parts of me rip from the seams I saw a raw and authentic human in my eyesight. She was unrelenting, she was true, loving, authentic, and nothing of my past. Yet she had always remained. As I embraced this embryo, watered it, cared for it, and viewed it through eyes of non-judgement and love, my outer world sprouted. I met people who I always dreamed of having. I heard music that made my soul sing. I fell into practices that etched into my soul. I looked into my own eyes and saw such a deep lust for life and experience, but mostly, understanding. I started playing around with clothes, and my outer appearance. I was just a little girl finding herself. Yet this time it was just a flowering room and there were two people inside, myself and my womanhood.

No one else would remain in a world I fought so hard to create internally. A clearing of all but one, myself. And it was what I deserved, it is what I always deserved. Justice shall always be served in honesty and love. There is no fear where self remains. 

For a little while I was isolated, I needed none but myself. Internally it’s what I was begging for. I wrote for years about a similar idea of ‘running away’. One day in my meditation, I realized I was always running towards something, and that something was myself. It was always my largest mountain. I took apart my belief systems leg by leg, arm by arm. Until there was nothing left but a gaping feeling of freedom. I felt like I was killing myself, I felt guilty, but I also felt so blessed to experience such a raw feeling of unity. There was such a deep understanding in the parts I was ripping away from myself, even as my hands tore them to shreds. We fear emptiness but in the practice of changing and growing, all is temporary. And it was far from empty. It was riveting, powerful, and set everything I was on fire.

It was joyous, and it was beautiful, devastating. It was duality in mind, body, and soul. 

I honor the woman I am everyday. Within that I have found a home, internally and externally. Wonderful humans that I can be my most authentic. Experiences that leave me gaping. An openness and oneness to a world. A soul that is set ablaze. But, most importantly, a sense of self that is so raw and real. To unmask myself in my own presence. Justice. That is something I dreamed of since I was a little girl, I never felt quite right. But I see it now for what it is, a journey home. Nothing is ever lost, love always finds its way back to you.