Mama
My mama is the most resilient women I know. She has carved her way inside me and gifted me my first breath. But most of all, she inspires me to always love and move with integrity. We have the same hair color, her eyes a lighter shade than mine, her hair pattern curlier. We’re the same height, I might be a little taller now. She knew sacrifice before I knew how to spell. She sacrifices more than I think I’ll ever have to, but in a way the door to motherhood is a sacrifice as much as it is life.
She is my mom and my dad, she has been for the majority of my life. I would like to give her the world and a little more but for now my words will have to suffice. Since I can remember she was always giving. She gave the world and a little extra. I owe my healing nature to my mom. She will always make sure everyone else is comfortable before she is. Her and I are similar in that way, and recently, when I moved, and she was an empty nester, we both poured into ourselves.
We didn’t always get along. The world tore us apart before it brought us together. But she always showed up. We were not always abundant when I was too young to fully understand, but she always made me feel like we were the most abundant people in the world. At my worst, my best, and all in between. I was not always good at speaking the intricate feelings I felt, but she held space for me. Never questioned beyond reason, and a mother’s largest sacrifice, let me run from my hometown when I needed it most.
Her and I are alike in that way. She was independent, hungry for experience and travel in her youth. I think that’s why she doesn’t bat an eye in the way most mothers would when there’s silence between us for a week at a time. It’s a silent knowing, she knows how I am and she holds space for me. I think we both know we wouldn’t have had a shot at the relationship we have now if I stuck around. Physically we are in two different places, but energetically closer than ever before. She lets me take up space and share when I feel fit. Even in my silence and exploration, I think of her daily. I miss my mom in the ways a child would, because I am still my mother’s daughter.
She loves animals and studying animal behavior. Before she was a mother that is what filled her heart, and I like to speak of her in that way because that didn’t change, she just sacrificed one love for another. My mom’s a free spirit, overflowing with love. She drinks her wine red, and likes to pair her wine with puzzles (mom when you read this I can’t wait to do a puzzle with you when I visit). She’s a nature lady at best and likes to have her morning coffee basking in the sun on the back porch. She is obsessed with motivating and uplifting quotes so every holiday someone finds a way to sneak it into her gifts, we do it as a joke, but it is truly who she is. She jokes that she’s going to be a hippie with long, gray, curly hair. I sure hope she is. She is also one of the funniest people I have ever met, she fills a room with laughter, love, and peace.
We started taking car rides, or in her words ‘cruises’ a few years ago. We would get coffee and then disappear off the main roads for hours at a time. I think in a way these cruises saved my life. No matter how bad I was struggling she always managed to find me. No matter how shattered our relationship felt at times, when we got into the car we got to bask in each other for a moment at a time. I was not always someone who was affectionate. But she waited patiently and never pushed me; now all I want to do is hug her and lay side by side with her. As I connect deeper with myself, I see her within the way I love, talk, and explore. I have embraced my softness in the way she has. She’s rooted in my smile and within my eyes. I always have my mama with me and me with her.
I think she and I have cracked the code. Sure she’s my mother and I’m her daughter but we are counterparts. She inspires me in the way I inspire her. We make space for one another. She watches me grow as I watch her grow. She’s watched me grow older and I’ve watched her. But I believe she’s only getting more youthful. Her hands show years of tender love and care, but she is finally pouring inwards, finally giving herself the love she always gave out, her soul youthful as ever.
She caught onto my love language quickly when I moved. When I couldn’t quite manage showing my love and affection fully, I would send her pictures of things that reminded me of her and text her “this reminds me of you, I love and miss you”. She started doing the same. Mom, everything reminds me of you and I can’t wait to bask in the sun with you. I am growing into womanhood but I want to stay young for you forever.
I could write about you forever. You are one of the coolest people I have ever met, I love you mama, you’re the one person I will say always and forever to.