Shed

As Spring rolls in and the earth greens it’s in our human nature to shed. Whether we shed willingly or unwillingly; I’ve come to find it doesn’t really matter, nature has no morals and for that I applaud.

I’ve been pleading for a good rain, a good emotional outburst from mother earth herself. If she sheds, so can I. Mom said it was okay. I think the concept within shedding is something we root much of our fear in. If we let certain parts of ourselves go, who are we? I want to change your perspective on that. It’s an opportunity to be whatever you want to be, that’s your birthright, I’m just here to remind you.

I carried such a large part of my past selves with me, they followed, they demanded, they shaped things outside of my authentic self. As much blame as I could put on them for how they pushed and pulled me I didn’t want to shed them either. We were bonded but not in the ‘they’re so great’ type of way, more so in the ‘I don’t want to feel you anymore but I don’t know how’ type of way. They swallowed me whole, but I let them.

I was this distorted version of myself. My own personal abstract painting, seriously. There was much to shed, much to face. I didn’t want to, in the way most people don’t. It gets to a point where you either choose to remain distorted, or you choose to wrap all your layers in pretty wrapping paper and give them a proper goodbye.

The point I knew I had to move to my inner world and declutter was when all I could write to myself was, “I’m feeling fear and anxiety most days, I don’t like it anymore. I don’t want it anymore”. At the end of this particular passage I wrote, “Your determination factors are no longer mine. I will challenge you, but only because I know we can do more”. So I sat with myself. A month straight, every night, I sat in front of my mirror with my silent headphones (god sent), journal, pen. I felt so alone. I felt opened up and spilled all over the floor. I was purging shadows and layers that had found home inside me for too long. It was hard, it was raw, it was great. To be the hand that has to wave farewell to parts of self that have clung for warmth for years of my life was empowering, it was also scary. Scary as hell, because who am I without those layers? But I’m telling you that is the BEST part. Who the hell am I? Isn’t it wonderful to be able to ask myself who I am? That means it’s a choice I HAVE. A choice I felt like I never had.

It’s also sad, because it’s the realization that you have this hollowed out version of yourself that’s been drowned by layers of past selves, experiences, and traumas. So feel it fully, it’s what you deserve, be the space so your present self can break free. 

You aren’t what happened, you aren’t the circumstances that locked you in to begin with, you aren’t what others told you you were, you aren’t just the extent of your experiences. There is an entire side of yourself waiting to be discovered, and so many things, people, and places waiting to be experienced. Please don’t let your past self rob you of your present day and future endeavors. It WILL feel scary, it should. But, I am telling you, that is how you know you’re doing something right. 

I always wanted to run and run and run and run. But I didn’t know what from, until I realized it was me. I wanted to run so far away from myself because I was this collection of everything I ever feared, everything that ever hurt me, and all I ever loved. The one thing I’ve realized when we don’t incorporate shedding into our inner seasons, they just mold into us. It affects our relationships to self, within others, and the world around us. You should always remain curious and excited. Tuned in and on with the world you’re rooted into.

It doesn’t have to start big, It can be small steps to invite yourself out of the cold. Everything’s blooming after all, that includes you. Maybe tapping into what behaviors feel inauthentic. Asking yourself, is that me or is that a past self I’m allowing to speak for and through me? Some journal prompts include:

What very qualities of yourself would you like to discover?

What do you feel guilty about/want to forgive?

Which areas of life do you need to exert control? Which do you need to release?

How can you release?

It gets easier, it won’t always feel so scary. As with anything, it takes practice. It takes unlearning to learn. You will reach a point where you can flow with yourself and loathe in your present self, knowing there will come a time it will serve you fully and never again. Shed, shed because you can. Shed because it feels so good. You invite new parts of self and experience when you set what no longer serves you to rest.

Recently, I had the honor to write back to myself, “Sofia!!! That fear and anxiety towards life has been swallowed whole. I am so authentically me. Thank you for pushing through for me”.

So as I wrote to myself, I write to you, I will challenge you, but only because I know you can do more. Be kind to yourself, or should I say yourselves.