My Body and I

I always knew my body but I wasn’t AWARE of my body. I’ve found through experience and practice that to know and the ability to be aware are two different things. I knew my body was unhappy with me. I knew my body and mind were constantly in conflict but I chose not to be AWARE. To be aware is to be well-informed, admit and ultimately own it, I didn’t want that. I felt it physically and emotionally but it was my choice to not try to understand, and ultimately to ignore. It wasn’t until my hormones were imbalanced and my gut started to derail that I decided I wanted to know my body as a partner and a friend, not just a driving source. I do want to touch on the fact I’ll be talking about eating disorders and body image if that’s not your thing, totally get it.

I’m not proud to say I treated my body and mind horribly. I had a drowning awareness of my body by the time I hit fourth grade. I started to work out before I even understood my body or all it did for me, before I even had the chance to grow into it. My mind understood at the age of 8 that I wanted to change, my body on the other hand was only responding to my mind. It was an exhausting realization to the soul. The thing with the yearning to change is that once it starts, it doesn’t stop until it consumes or we choose otherwise. From fourth grade on I was in an immovable position to be anything I wasn’t. I had gotten comments about the way I looked from kids that didn’t understand the impact of words. Should kids have awareness they are impactful humans? I’m not sure about that nor can I say either way, I don’t dwell on it, but I can still hold space for the young girl who did.

On top of the stinging awareness of my body and the determination to change something that didn’t need to change, I already began to struggle with anxiety. You can imagine the intertwining of a discomfort of self on top of anxious thoughts parading around within an 8 year old’s body, mind, and soul. There’s not much resilience in that, just pure confusion. I was just a kid, I shouldn’t have needed to be anything else. So it grew, and it grew, and my anxiety did too. By the time I was in middle school I was a distorted version of everything everyone else was and wanted me to be. There wasn’t much authenticity in me besides my writing and my emotional intelligence. Looking back now, the emotional intelligence stemming from the fact I was overly aware of myself by the time I hit third grade. I had a lot of time to practice organizing my thoughts, mainly because I was young and didn’t know how to describe what was wrong with me.

Eighth grade rolled around and different events rocked my world in the most unkind manner. I’ll save any details for another blog post. My burning desire to change swept into motion and I started working on myself physically. It was a good thing, right? In the beginning it was full of passion, it was a healthy escape until it wasn’t. I lost weight but it was more than just weight I lost, a sense of self, I was never quite there. I think many know you never end up being ‘quite’ there. It’s trying to satisfy a hunger that is insatiable.

High school was another horror of complexion. I was ‘disciplined’ they told me, impressive, courageous. Let me be so real with you. I was sick, I was tired, and I ignored it everyday. My mental health deteriorated freshman year. I was finally diagnosed with severe anxiety and a side of depression to dance around with. But I had my goals, I had my passion. Right? So it continued. I was extremely restrictive with the way I ate. The best raw and real way I can describe it is having full breakdowns over ice cream, and I mean FULL breakdowns; if I should eat it, what if? How so? Too much, too little? Too worried and way too young. I would end up getting the ice cream, and I would eat it all. The cycle would continue. I would tell myself, until next time. What a fucked up pact. And that my friends, is disordered eating. I don’t feel the need to dive into what other habits went along with that, but with love and a heavy heart, I know you probably understand more than I would like you too.

Covid swung in and I was alone with myself. Alone with my anxiety and at the cusp of a major healing period. I was out of the eyes of perception which my anxiety appreciated but I was stuck sorting my thoughts which many of us were; on top of a heart shattering period for many people in the world. There’s a phrase ‘extreme hunger’ within the path of healing disordered eating. When we’ve deprived ourselves of food for extended periods of time and begin to reintroduce healthy amounts (very different for each person), our bodies begin to try to “make up for lost time”. In an article I read they described it as “even if your brain knows there is plenty of food available, your body might not”. I began to become less restrictive, I think my brain being elsewhere in the world and being stuck inside played a factor. Let me tell you, I ate, and ate, and ate, and ate. Not in the way we think of '“binging”. There was no guilt attached, it was so freeing. I felt so confident, I felt like I was finally doing something right. My food and I were kinda having fun, dancing, my favorite term.

Fast forward uprooting myself to Colorado. I was dealing with the aftermath of how I mishandled myself for years, I got my IBS diagnosis a few months before the big move and my hormones were out of wack. I was still struggling with bad anxiety, in short I was uncomfortable. But I knew there was something big waiting for me, and there sure as hell was. I started working with a health coach who was more than wonderful. We worked on elimination and paleo based eating for once, to not change, but to heal. I began unwinding my huge coil of stress and anxiety that I collected within myself. With healing my gut I also began to heal my anxiety. My passion for cooking took off and my relationship with the gym became so freeing. Freeing, freeing, freeing, that is how my body and mind feel. I moved, but I was on my way home.

To unlearn something and someone I had been for majority of the short life I’ve lived was my hardest internal battle. Who are you? What do you like? Do you love me the way I love you? Becoming my own best friend and lover was the greatest gift I could ever deliver myself. I’m not sure I can give you a guide as to how. It was a day by day journey, but I will say when the ball starts to roll it does not stop. I realized the way I viewed myself began to shift, and with that my authenticity found itself implanted within my spine. I was a lady of many things but most importantly my integrity. It’s what I owed myself anyways. It’s what you owe yourself. As I’ve written this I’ve come to realize this post is to put out my vulnerability to inspire you to explore your own. The shadow of yourself is begging to be inspired, and your body begging to be acknowledged. I want your internal home to be something you crawl to for warmth. I want your body to be something you crawl to for comfort, knowledge, and love. But you have to want it just as bad.

I’ve found with the research I’ve done, things I’ve read, and people I’ve shared wonderful conversations with, that it is far too normalized to be in conflict with our bodies, minds, and souls. To be honest with you I don’t have a ton of advice to pour into you. Take this blog post and run with it for all I care, sit with it, or let it be what ignites you. I just want you to know you’re not alone in the turmoil you may feel within your body. You have the right to connection, most importantly, the connection to your mind, body, and soul. Eb and flow for me.

It’s my body and I. I carry her and she carries me. We’re bonded and I am so grateful to experience this life with her, and I am more than honored to have been the one to heal her. Healing isn’t linear, nor do I think I’ll ever be ‘done’ healing, neither will you. But how joyous is it that we get to care for ourselves and continuously find healing. To the girl who wanted nothing more in the world than to be different than she was, I am so grateful to have experienced you, it makes living in my body that much more exciting. I never thought I’d be able to say I am symptom free, here I am. I am so me. Meet me here, I’ll be waiting to celebrate with you. 

I love this body!!!